many wandering thoughts and varied topics

Have you ever been in a funk or rut and can't seem to breakout no matter what you do? Lately my life seems to be on pause, it's almost like I'm going through the motions but not going anywhere. So most days I feel rather melancholy, and some days I am in such a good mood and tightly wound that I wonder why am I feeling good today? Maybe I shouldn't question the good days. One thing that has been weighing heavy on my mind is the where I am now. When I was younger and newly graduated and newly out, I never gave much thought to my future. It's now been over 9 years since I came out and I feel like I'm in exactly the same place I was then, if not worse off. I have 2 ex's behind me (that's a good thing, but as you get older it seems harder to find quality men. I mean, unless you are into going to the bars it's hard to meet quality guys, and I doubt I would meet a quality guy in a bar, so where does that leave you. To make matters worse, I have a serious lack of gaydar. Seriously, unless someone is flaming, I usually have no clue. My 33rd birthday is coming up soon and I think that is adding to my unhappiness. When taking stock of everything, there are days I wish I had a partner to raise kids with. As much as I'd love to adopt, It's not something I want to do as a sngle parent. I saw how hard it was on my mom and I just don't think I'm that strong. What if I don't meet someone for years? then what?? what if it becomes too late to raise a kid?? Then I think of the future. What if I never meet someone or have kids? Who will take care of me when I'm old?? I love my nephews but I don't think they would. You see all the time older people coming into your retail pharmacies, and wonder how they manage alone? And I wonder why I can't sleep some days.

I've decided to confront an "old" friend if our paths ever cross again. I have some questions that only he can answer, and I think that the answers he gives me will help me deal with the loss of his friendship and that I can move on from it. In the same token, I am afraid of what his answer will be. I swear that we will run into each other naturally, I'm not going to stalk his work or witness halls to get my answers.

As I mentioned earlier, my 33rd b-day is in a few months. This is weighing heavy on me for the reasons above and the fact that I will be about the same age (within a year or 2) that my parents were when they split. So this makes me wonder if I could be a good parent and If I do have kids in the future, how would they feel having parents older than everyone else?

Now back to my lack of gaydar. I firmly blame my family for that. One of my aunts had been married and widowed before I was born. By the time I was old enough to know her, she was partnered. So it was always Aunt Donna and Aunt Shirley. Needless to say I went years without ever questioning this, it was normal to me. If I'm lucky, some day I'll have a partner and my friends kids will think Uncle John and Uncle whomever is perfectly normal and not question it. But back to the story, her partner passed away when I was a teenager. One christmas day (I was 18 or 19 at the time) my sister Lynn made a comment about Aunt Donna being a lesbian. My mouth dropped, I had no freakin clue. Then again I had no clue about my sister, that was an even bigger shock. So I maintain, since my family is so accepting that my lack of gaydar is all their fault. Damm family for being so accepting.

It was interesting having dinner with my mom, grandma, sister and her kids the other day. It was probably the most my sister and I have ever talked about being gay, esp with our mom around and It made me happy to have such a accepting and loving family.