365 days of fitness.

Wow, over 5 years since my last update.  I decided in reflection to restart my blog and chronicle my efforts at leading a healthier lifestyle and getting my body into better physical shape.  I'll also blog any other random thought that goes through my mind,  I know That's a scary thought!  Thanks for reading this far.

As of today, I have been 39 for 7 days.  This week has been one of reflection.  Most of my time has been spent obsessing about my weight and lack of love life, not a good combination.

First thing was accepting myself at my current weight.  That is not easy for me since I don't like how I look or how much I weigh.  But it's a starting point.  I am being mindful of why I eat.  I am trying not to eat my emotions which is harder at work than at home.  My coach at CrossFit is they type that eats to fuel himself and doesn't eat foods that don't get him to his goal.  I am the opposite.  I am an emotional eater.  Will I ever get to the point, where I eat for fuel alone, I don't think so.  But I am going to work on eating clean and healthy the majority of the time and when I splurge make sure it's done with thought.  I don't want to eat off my plan just because I am stressed or because it's Friday and the easy thing to do.  IT will need to be a conscious decision  and a more special occasion.

The second thing I decided is reflected in the title of this post.  I decided that I will do some sort of physical activity every day for my 39th year.  So far some days have just been push ups and sit ups.  It's a start but I am trying and I've been successful for 7 days so far.  Tomorrow morning I'm taking a few before pictures.  I won't post them yet, but look for them in the future with some pictures of my progress.

The third thing that my birthday brings to mind is the state of my love life.  In a few days it will be 3 years since I've dated anyone seriously.  Due to the timing of the break up shortly after my birthday, it always weighs on my mind this time of year.  While the break up was a good thing, being single for so long always makes me wonder what is wrong with me.  On the plus side I have a wonderful support system of family and friends but the nights are lonely.

Well I think that's enough for now, Dr Who comes on soon, and I have some burpees to do as well as some house cleaning.

1030 PM rants and raves

Damm, It's been awhile since I've posted. Ugh.... this isn't going to be a long update, something more substantial will come later but I will probably be rambling on a bit and go all over the place with topics.
Maybe I shouldn't listen to Delilah (sappy love songs) at night. I do firmly believe that god has a plan. But I don't like not knowing it. I'd be content being single, if I knew that at such and such an age, I'd meet someone and live "happily ever after". Most days I feel like I'm just treading water. I hate the infatuation stage when you first meet someone, whether it be in person or just online. The I like him, but I know right now it's just a crush and I want to talk and chat more to see what it really is. And it sucks even more when distance compounds it. It's almost enough to make you want to give up hope. They say you lose 100 % of the shots you don't takes. let's hope that taking and missing anyways doesn't hurt too much.

In other news, I'm currently down just over 50 pounds and am feeling fantastic. I've taken up Tae Kwon Do and found that I love it. I hope to test for my yellow belt in July or August, so we'll see how that goes.

reflections

I can't believe it's been so long since I updated this. It's something that is always on my mind, but I never sit down and actually do it. I had a productive few months since my last update. New Orleans was a total blast, and the days spent there couldn't have been spent with a better group of friends. I can't believe that in a few short weeks Jenny and I will be going to Key West. The seed of this trip was planted in New Orleans and is now coming to fruition. If you haven't been to New Orleans yet, it is a place that you need to go. Go to Lafitte's Blacksmith Bar on Bourbon street, it's not the home of the hurricane but their version is better.

This fall has brought some changes. I've attempted to start dating again. While it hasn't been extremely successful it has brought things into sharper focus. Sometimes you get in such a rut that you need to step back for a fresh perspective. Luckily going to Vegas for some CE brought that prospective. I knew attempting to date while working overnights would be hard, but it is much harder than I expected. So I decided I needed to re-evaluate my reasons for working the shift and decided that I am going to go back to day shift when a position opens. My original reason for working nights is no longer valid and hasn't been for about 18 months since the ex moved out, so why am I doing it. I just hope I can bite my tongue enough at work, since I tend to be outspoken and I don't need to get into trouble with my mouth. I am going to miss all my free time that i have at work to read when I go back to days. I can't count the number of books I've read. I have went through about 10 since the beginning of December alone. As for dating, in theory it will be a bit easier if I'm working days (at least I will have more evenings free) and if I meet someone that would be nice, but this past year has taught me that I can be happy being single and doing things by myself and with my great group of friends.

As for this year I have been making some positive changes in my life. My trip to Vegas had more impact than just some work insights. I weighed about 50 pounds more than I did the last time I went there and I could tell the difference. Needless to say I wasn't happy and decided to make some changes so I went back to weightwathers again. I have been going on and off (more off than on) for the past few years and I found my weight tracker. I had manged to go before Thanksgiving in 07 then again in January 08. Over those holidays I gained 15 pounds. Considering I gained about 15 pounds between May 08 and Dec 08, I made a promise to myself that this holiday season wouldn't be the same. Needless to say I managed to lose weight and am feeling better about myself. I think I should weight about the same when I go to Key West as I did in New Orleans and I intend to weigh less than that when I attend Province in March. I can't wait till spring comes, I'm going to do a complete closet cleaning and get rid of all the clothes that will be too large by then. The greatest part of losing weight is being able to fit into clothes that don't fit currently and getting rid of everything else.

I've been growing reflective the past few months. I think the general economic climate gives us all something to think about. I've been fortunate in my profession that I have a stable job and benefits. I've heard of so many of my cousins getting laid off and lay offs where my sisters work, that I'm glad I don't have that type of fear. I remember growing up with just my mom working that I was always worried what if... something happened to her or the plant that she worked at ?? I am so grateful for all the sacrifices she made to make sure I got an education and a chance at a better life. When my coworkers complain about work, I tell that I'm thankful that I have a job and that for the foreseeable future we will. Even if things change, I can always work retail. In this profession, right now my opinion is that we will have jobs. It may not be the job that we want but we will have one.

I'm also thankful for the friends I have. My trips this year were amazing. I enjoyed every long weekend I spent with my brothers. The alumni dinner dance at school was great for reconnecting with some people. I hadn't seen Roxy since graduation and seeing her again after 10 years was great. Seeing Mike was awesome since he decided to come out to Vegas with Matt and myself. I loved the trick Melissa pulled to get Eric (big daddy) to see us. I feel so bad for what he has went through and hope his little guy is ok. I hoped seeing us would bring a positive lasting change, but that was not to be and I'm happy to have had our last interaction be a positive one.

Hmm I guess that's enough of an update. Feel free to comment or email me....it's interesting knowing which friends read these things.. or stay anonymous and stalk me, that's fine too.

Friends for life and other updates

It's funny how life can get in the way of things and good friends can sometimes fall by the wayside. This age of myspace and facebook makes keeping in touch with friends easier, but what about those friends that don't use them or even have internet access? On Saturday I finally called one of my oldest and closest friends. I hadn't spoken to him since the fall and the wonderful thing about our friendship is that we are able to pick up from where we left off. Or maybe its sad since not much has changed. One of the bad things about working overnights is my friend works till 6 or 7 at night and does free lance jobs on the weekends. Considering my work schedule it's hard to connect. About once a week I would think about calling him, usually while on the way to work, but he deserves better than a quick call when I don't have time to talk (that is reserved for my ex). So we have plans to grab dinner and a movie next Sunday, I can't wait. Speaking of reconnecting, at the Grad chapter meeting last night it was great seeing Maria, she is such a sweetheart and due to her work schedule, she can't come around as much as she would like. Plus she is looking terrific, almost makes me want to switch teams...almost. lol. In other news, I'm sad that Tina can't make New Orleans next month, I was looking forward to seeing her.

I know I'm not the most mechanically inclined person, but I decided to go for a bike ride yesterday. I should say that I tried to go for a bike ride. I haven't rode (ridden??) my bike since I moved 4 years ago. I knew the tires were flat and I didn't think that would be a problem. My air compressor gave out after I got the rear tire inflated, so I took off the front tire, drove to a gas station and inflated it. Once I got home, I was getting excited. I put the tire on and was about to flip the bike upright when I heard a hissing sound. Needless to say the front tire is now flat. Today on my way to work, I'm going to buy a new inner tube. This should be interesting, I have never successfully replaced a tire tube, the last time I tried to patch a tire, I was a teenager and it was a mess. I hope things go better this time around. I don't want to feel like a total loser taking my tire into the bike shop and asking them to replace the tube, after all I am a guy, I should be able to do this.

Going through my email, I found this friendship email sent out my Matt, one of my closest friends. Considering he rarely forwards emails, it is kind of special and I think summarizes the type of friendship we have and they type of friendships I have with my closest friends.

Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you getting tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well . I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ---- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;
' because you are my friend '.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.

fridge magnets

The following quote is on a magnet hanging on my fridge.
I bought it in October at the Art Museum in Toledo.
Reading makes me think hard about how one should live.
The acutal quote is attributed to Mary Radmacher

live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.



how many of these lines do you do on a daily basis?
how many don't you do, but upon looking at them you wonder why you don't?
how many of us actually live as if this is all there is? I know I don't most days, but I think everyone would be better off it they did.

many wandering thoughts and varied topics

Have you ever been in a funk or rut and can't seem to breakout no matter what you do? Lately my life seems to be on pause, it's almost like I'm going through the motions but not going anywhere. So most days I feel rather melancholy, and some days I am in such a good mood and tightly wound that I wonder why am I feeling good today? Maybe I shouldn't question the good days. One thing that has been weighing heavy on my mind is the where I am now. When I was younger and newly graduated and newly out, I never gave much thought to my future. It's now been over 9 years since I came out and I feel like I'm in exactly the same place I was then, if not worse off. I have 2 ex's behind me (that's a good thing, but as you get older it seems harder to find quality men. I mean, unless you are into going to the bars it's hard to meet quality guys, and I doubt I would meet a quality guy in a bar, so where does that leave you. To make matters worse, I have a serious lack of gaydar. Seriously, unless someone is flaming, I usually have no clue. My 33rd birthday is coming up soon and I think that is adding to my unhappiness. When taking stock of everything, there are days I wish I had a partner to raise kids with. As much as I'd love to adopt, It's not something I want to do as a sngle parent. I saw how hard it was on my mom and I just don't think I'm that strong. What if I don't meet someone for years? then what?? what if it becomes too late to raise a kid?? Then I think of the future. What if I never meet someone or have kids? Who will take care of me when I'm old?? I love my nephews but I don't think they would. You see all the time older people coming into your retail pharmacies, and wonder how they manage alone? And I wonder why I can't sleep some days.

I've decided to confront an "old" friend if our paths ever cross again. I have some questions that only he can answer, and I think that the answers he gives me will help me deal with the loss of his friendship and that I can move on from it. In the same token, I am afraid of what his answer will be. I swear that we will run into each other naturally, I'm not going to stalk his work or witness halls to get my answers.

As I mentioned earlier, my 33rd b-day is in a few months. This is weighing heavy on me for the reasons above and the fact that I will be about the same age (within a year or 2) that my parents were when they split. So this makes me wonder if I could be a good parent and If I do have kids in the future, how would they feel having parents older than everyone else?

Now back to my lack of gaydar. I firmly blame my family for that. One of my aunts had been married and widowed before I was born. By the time I was old enough to know her, she was partnered. So it was always Aunt Donna and Aunt Shirley. Needless to say I went years without ever questioning this, it was normal to me. If I'm lucky, some day I'll have a partner and my friends kids will think Uncle John and Uncle whomever is perfectly normal and not question it. But back to the story, her partner passed away when I was a teenager. One christmas day (I was 18 or 19 at the time) my sister Lynn made a comment about Aunt Donna being a lesbian. My mouth dropped, I had no freakin clue. Then again I had no clue about my sister, that was an even bigger shock. So I maintain, since my family is so accepting that my lack of gaydar is all their fault. Damm family for being so accepting.

It was interesting having dinner with my mom, grandma, sister and her kids the other day. It was probably the most my sister and I have ever talked about being gay, esp with our mom around and It made me happy to have such a accepting and loving family.

Cleveland rocks and cornhole boards

I'm way overdue for an update. I have a lot of thoughts going through my head lately and I spend a lot of time thinking on the past and planning the future. First of all, Cleveland rocked. I've attended every spring assembly for Province V in Kappa Psi since 1996 and this past one was one of the most memorable. Buffalo in 2000 was memorable because I was elected Satrap and it was in my hometown and we partied hard like it was 1999. Both Lexington were memorable because they were just fun and in 2001 I was not Satrap anymore and well, mudd met beaver and made muddy beaver, and well muddy beaver is just good. But there was just something about Cleveland. Maybe because Matt and I stopped at a brewpub on the way down for some beers. Maybe it was the corn hole tournament on Friday night with my face on one of the boards and the "sobriety" bracket named after me. Maybe it was the "old school" dancing Saturday night or the brotherhood I experienced with my friends but what ever it was it was fun. The highlight was the corn hole board though. To me, it meant a lot to be recognized and the board is just cool. I just need to find away to hang it up in my house. If my entertainment center wasn't so large, I'd totally hang it over my tv, but then again, that would seem a little too frat house for me. I was pleasantly surprised by how elections turned out. The quality of the collegiate brothers never fails to amaze me. I've talked with a few from outside Gamma Iota and the brother's I've talked too are all quality. Even the Gamma Iota brothers always impress me more and more. The past few years, the same people and same graduates have been dominating the province executive committee. It was great to see a lot of turnover and fresh faces get elected to it. I'm even proud of a fellow Gamma Iota brother for trying. While I thought Ann should have got elected, that was one of the few positions I did not predict correctly. One thing I did notice, is that you know you have been friends with someone for a long time when you mention a chapter name and they know exactly which brother from that chapter you think is cute.

In other news, Battlestar looks awesome for its final season. I really like the way it is heating up and the questions it is raising. That show deals with very contemproy issues facing humanity in a way that makes you stop and think and then draw parallels to today.