Friends for life and other updates

It's funny how life can get in the way of things and good friends can sometimes fall by the wayside. This age of myspace and facebook makes keeping in touch with friends easier, but what about those friends that don't use them or even have internet access? On Saturday I finally called one of my oldest and closest friends. I hadn't spoken to him since the fall and the wonderful thing about our friendship is that we are able to pick up from where we left off. Or maybe its sad since not much has changed. One of the bad things about working overnights is my friend works till 6 or 7 at night and does free lance jobs on the weekends. Considering my work schedule it's hard to connect. About once a week I would think about calling him, usually while on the way to work, but he deserves better than a quick call when I don't have time to talk (that is reserved for my ex). So we have plans to grab dinner and a movie next Sunday, I can't wait. Speaking of reconnecting, at the Grad chapter meeting last night it was great seeing Maria, she is such a sweetheart and due to her work schedule, she can't come around as much as she would like. Plus she is looking terrific, almost makes me want to switch teams...almost. lol. In other news, I'm sad that Tina can't make New Orleans next month, I was looking forward to seeing her.

I know I'm not the most mechanically inclined person, but I decided to go for a bike ride yesterday. I should say that I tried to go for a bike ride. I haven't rode (ridden??) my bike since I moved 4 years ago. I knew the tires were flat and I didn't think that would be a problem. My air compressor gave out after I got the rear tire inflated, so I took off the front tire, drove to a gas station and inflated it. Once I got home, I was getting excited. I put the tire on and was about to flip the bike upright when I heard a hissing sound. Needless to say the front tire is now flat. Today on my way to work, I'm going to buy a new inner tube. This should be interesting, I have never successfully replaced a tire tube, the last time I tried to patch a tire, I was a teenager and it was a mess. I hope things go better this time around. I don't want to feel like a total loser taking my tire into the bike shop and asking them to replace the tube, after all I am a guy, I should be able to do this.

Going through my email, I found this friendship email sent out my Matt, one of my closest friends. Considering he rarely forwards emails, it is kind of special and I think summarizes the type of friendship we have and they type of friendships I have with my closest friends.

Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you getting tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well . I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ---- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;
' because you are my friend '.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.

fridge magnets

The following quote is on a magnet hanging on my fridge.
I bought it in October at the Art Museum in Toledo.
Reading makes me think hard about how one should live.
The acutal quote is attributed to Mary Radmacher

live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.



how many of these lines do you do on a daily basis?
how many don't you do, but upon looking at them you wonder why you don't?
how many of us actually live as if this is all there is? I know I don't most days, but I think everyone would be better off it they did.

many wandering thoughts and varied topics

Have you ever been in a funk or rut and can't seem to breakout no matter what you do? Lately my life seems to be on pause, it's almost like I'm going through the motions but not going anywhere. So most days I feel rather melancholy, and some days I am in such a good mood and tightly wound that I wonder why am I feeling good today? Maybe I shouldn't question the good days. One thing that has been weighing heavy on my mind is the where I am now. When I was younger and newly graduated and newly out, I never gave much thought to my future. It's now been over 9 years since I came out and I feel like I'm in exactly the same place I was then, if not worse off. I have 2 ex's behind me (that's a good thing, but as you get older it seems harder to find quality men. I mean, unless you are into going to the bars it's hard to meet quality guys, and I doubt I would meet a quality guy in a bar, so where does that leave you. To make matters worse, I have a serious lack of gaydar. Seriously, unless someone is flaming, I usually have no clue. My 33rd birthday is coming up soon and I think that is adding to my unhappiness. When taking stock of everything, there are days I wish I had a partner to raise kids with. As much as I'd love to adopt, It's not something I want to do as a sngle parent. I saw how hard it was on my mom and I just don't think I'm that strong. What if I don't meet someone for years? then what?? what if it becomes too late to raise a kid?? Then I think of the future. What if I never meet someone or have kids? Who will take care of me when I'm old?? I love my nephews but I don't think they would. You see all the time older people coming into your retail pharmacies, and wonder how they manage alone? And I wonder why I can't sleep some days.

I've decided to confront an "old" friend if our paths ever cross again. I have some questions that only he can answer, and I think that the answers he gives me will help me deal with the loss of his friendship and that I can move on from it. In the same token, I am afraid of what his answer will be. I swear that we will run into each other naturally, I'm not going to stalk his work or witness halls to get my answers.

As I mentioned earlier, my 33rd b-day is in a few months. This is weighing heavy on me for the reasons above and the fact that I will be about the same age (within a year or 2) that my parents were when they split. So this makes me wonder if I could be a good parent and If I do have kids in the future, how would they feel having parents older than everyone else?

Now back to my lack of gaydar. I firmly blame my family for that. One of my aunts had been married and widowed before I was born. By the time I was old enough to know her, she was partnered. So it was always Aunt Donna and Aunt Shirley. Needless to say I went years without ever questioning this, it was normal to me. If I'm lucky, some day I'll have a partner and my friends kids will think Uncle John and Uncle whomever is perfectly normal and not question it. But back to the story, her partner passed away when I was a teenager. One christmas day (I was 18 or 19 at the time) my sister Lynn made a comment about Aunt Donna being a lesbian. My mouth dropped, I had no freakin clue. Then again I had no clue about my sister, that was an even bigger shock. So I maintain, since my family is so accepting that my lack of gaydar is all their fault. Damm family for being so accepting.

It was interesting having dinner with my mom, grandma, sister and her kids the other day. It was probably the most my sister and I have ever talked about being gay, esp with our mom around and It made me happy to have such a accepting and loving family.

Cleveland rocks and cornhole boards

I'm way overdue for an update. I have a lot of thoughts going through my head lately and I spend a lot of time thinking on the past and planning the future. First of all, Cleveland rocked. I've attended every spring assembly for Province V in Kappa Psi since 1996 and this past one was one of the most memorable. Buffalo in 2000 was memorable because I was elected Satrap and it was in my hometown and we partied hard like it was 1999. Both Lexington were memorable because they were just fun and in 2001 I was not Satrap anymore and well, mudd met beaver and made muddy beaver, and well muddy beaver is just good. But there was just something about Cleveland. Maybe because Matt and I stopped at a brewpub on the way down for some beers. Maybe it was the corn hole tournament on Friday night with my face on one of the boards and the "sobriety" bracket named after me. Maybe it was the "old school" dancing Saturday night or the brotherhood I experienced with my friends but what ever it was it was fun. The highlight was the corn hole board though. To me, it meant a lot to be recognized and the board is just cool. I just need to find away to hang it up in my house. If my entertainment center wasn't so large, I'd totally hang it over my tv, but then again, that would seem a little too frat house for me. I was pleasantly surprised by how elections turned out. The quality of the collegiate brothers never fails to amaze me. I've talked with a few from outside Gamma Iota and the brother's I've talked too are all quality. Even the Gamma Iota brothers always impress me more and more. The past few years, the same people and same graduates have been dominating the province executive committee. It was great to see a lot of turnover and fresh faces get elected to it. I'm even proud of a fellow Gamma Iota brother for trying. While I thought Ann should have got elected, that was one of the few positions I did not predict correctly. One thing I did notice, is that you know you have been friends with someone for a long time when you mention a chapter name and they know exactly which brother from that chapter you think is cute.

In other news, Battlestar looks awesome for its final season. I really like the way it is heating up and the questions it is raising. That show deals with very contemproy issues facing humanity in a way that makes you stop and think and then draw parallels to today.

One long update....

So, I've been back for a week now and I wish I was on vacation again. I loved most of my vacation. I wasn't too impressed by South Beach Miami where I stayed the first night. The food was too expensive and the hotel room for what I got was too expensive. it's a good thing the drink I had with dinner was a large and buy one get one free, I was a bit buzzed when I got back to the room which made it tolerable. So the buzz from the two drinks prevented me from finding the gay bars in South Beach. I'm currently planning my next cruise, it was so much fun and very relaxing. I think I will do a southern or eastern Caribbean next time around. While, I was hesitant to travel alone at first, I had a really good time. There was plenty of people watching on board. When I get sick of that I would go and chill out on my balcony and listen to my ipod and watch the waves go by or read. It was very relaxing and gave me a lot of time to think about everything that has happened the past year. I was fully relaxed and in a better state of mind when I got back home. Even being stuck an additional day in Miami didn't bother me. Also, I never got lonely being by myself and usually talked to people around me on the the various shore excursions or at the table next to me at dinner, which is unlike me but was fun. I meet some really nice Canadians one of the nights. They live about an hour or so from Buffalo and tried to convert me to become a Toronto Rock fan. It's funny, they hate the Maple Leafs too. When I was younger my grandmother had property in Ontario, in a town called Eganville, about a 7 hour drive from Buffalo, one of them even knew of it and had stayed there a few times for business. It really is a small world. Who would have thought I would have meet someone while on vacation in the Caribbean that would have known of that small town. I attended several of the ships productions, my favorite was a Cirque du Soleil type show called cirque pan, which was a retelling of the Peter Pan story. Peter Pan while he didn't speak had a great body and was from Holland. A few days later, he was directing people off the ferry at Great Stirrup Cay and has a lovely accent too. The Tulum ruins outside of Cozumel were the highlight of my trip. The views of the Caribbean from there were spectacular. I can see why the Mayas built the city there. It is also amazing to me to be able to walk in palces where you know people were walking thousands of years ago. It's a shame, most of the native american civilizations in the Untied States made their homes out of grasses, timber and animal hides, there are not very many ruins thousands of years old in our country. Being a history buff, I love stuff like that. to me is awsome to walk where I know people did thousands of years ago. Thats why Boston and NYC are awesome, there are places still standing where the forefathers of our country once walked and that was only in past several hundred years.

In other news, I am officially the new overnight pharmacist. I have to admit, right now, it is better than working day shift. This place while I love it is messed up. Maybe once they hire the three new people it will be better. I wasn't going to complain about work, but a doctor just managed to tick me off. Maybe, I shouldn't be blogging while at work, but so what. I consider this my lunch break since I'm not able to leave for lunch, like everyone else can, but I still get docked for lunch. I paged a doctor to follow up on a conversation we had earlier. The patient has a penicillin allergy and he had ordered zosyn and vanco. Well he resends the order, the vanco is crossed off and flagyl and cipro are added and the cipro is ordered iv with the po dose. So I text paged him so he could fix the problems. He calls back from the floor the patient is on and asks me to write the order. I'm sorry but that is the height of laziness considering he probably had the patients chart is his hand. The only bright side is that I know the order is written correctly.

The province convention is coming up shortly, I am getting excited to see my friends again. This year should be even more fun, I'm going to New Orleans with some of my pony posse friends. The trip should be great.

Nerves

I'm about to step out of my comfort zone big time tomorrow. Until now all the traveling I have done has been with friends. Tomorrow I fly out to Miami in order to catch a cruise on Saturday. I decided back in July that I needed to go somewhere warm in the middle of winter and thought a cruise would be perfect. The only thing is that none of my friends could go, but I decided that wouldn't stop me. One coworker told me that everyone needs to do a vacation alone at some point, I agree with her in theory, but now that the day is arriving, I am a little scared. Anyone that knws me, knows that I am a group person, I either go out with a friend or group of friends or stay home. So the next should be very interesting. Since I will be in South Beach for a night, I have researched some gay clubs, it will be interesting to see if I go to one or stay in the hotel room reading all night. The last time I went to a gay club was in Toronto almost 4 years ago when the ex and I went up for my birthday. Needless to say that was the last trip we took together and it also marked the beginning of the end for us. On the other hand, I'm sure travelling alone has got to be better than travelling with him. I just hope I can keep each suitcase under 50 pounds, I always pack heaveya nd end up not wearing half of what I pack ( that is just for weekend fraternity trips) I am halfway packed and I know I am over packed. Oh well, at least I will have plenty of shoes for every situation. Once I am back home, I intend on getting back on track with the gym and weightwatchers. My current plan is to lose about 20-30 pounds before I hopefully go to New Orleans in June. As of right now, I'm not sure if I can get the week off of work. I should know sometime while I'm gone. I just hope I can, since I am going on permanent overnight shift, god help who ever bumps me from that week. At some point they will be working by them self on the afternoon shift on a weekend with me as their relief:) ....

religious recruiting

I have to admit, I was shocked today to find out that Heath Ledger had died. I feel it is a loss, plus he was so damn good looking. I now have to find another rich husband to replace him:(

I have been thinking about a conversation with a few friend this past weekend. We have a mutual friend who has all but vanished since getting married and becoming a Jehovah Witness. One friend had Jehovah's staking out his house one day only to drive off and come back another day to knock on the door and leave materials. Another friend got a recruiting letter in the mail. I'm starting to feel left out. All I got was some old Jehovah women knocking at my door..... Am I not good enough for them to try and recruit, I'm sure I could give them some decorating tips or dressing tips, I mean seriously, those door to door recruiters could use some fashion sense. Now I wouldn't mind some Mormons coming to try to recruit me (or me recruit them...have you seen their 2008 calendar.) http://www.rollingstone.com/photos/gallery/16696542/mormons_exposed_hot_calendar

Saturday night fun

Since I've been working midnights, I haven't gotten out of the house much to hang out. Saturday made up for it in spades. Left early for the bandits game and hung out with some friends, had some good beer and food. Then the Bandits won which made the night even better. After that and seeing security take a guy in our section down, it was off to Founding Fathers. Now one of my old friends used to go there a lot and enjoyed it, plus I was told they have "great" hamburgers. Well, I can tell you, that I will not be going there again, unless I have no other choice, and I certainly will not be ordering a hamburger. I ordered the black and blue burger, a blackened cajun spiced burger with blue cheese, medium well. I was shocked at how fast the turn around was, well until I bit into it. I never knew that medium well meant raw on the inside. After about 10 minutes I managed to catch the waitress again and she took it back and apologized. Now she never stuck around long enough for anyone else to place a food order. The burger came back out again and I checked it while she was there, it was still raw. She apologized again and took it back and had them cook a whole new one this time. At least this time it was cooked. But the conversation was good and I never laughed so hard in my life at the antics of my friend texting another friends wife, and giving her ideas for when her husband got home. A mighty run later topped off the night.

romantics

I had an interesting converstation with my tech at work the other night. Since one of the overnight technicans has been promoted, the rest of the technicians have been rotating through the shift. It was about 5 in the morning and we were talking. In the year I have been there, it was the first time that we really had a chance to talk and connect. She was already a tech that I enjoy working with and she would do anything for me. I was talking to her about my upcoming cruise and that I am looking forward to sitting alone on the balcony and watch a sunrise and a sunset over the horizon. I can just imagine how beautiful it will be over the horizon. She told me that I sound like a romatic. Considering she was the second person that I told this to, and the second person to callme a romantic it caused me to pause and think. She the continued and told me that she was one to, and to be careful becuase romantic types tend to get hurt. I continued to think about this for the next few days and she is right. I tend to fall easily for nice guys and it has always ended in hurt. Oh well, like I told her, I can't change who I am and I wouldn't want to change who I am. So we'll see, it's harding meeting guys right now working overnights, maybe that will change when I'm back on days. But I can tell you that I will continue to be me and I'm sure I'll fall hard again.

begining of a journey

I started this blog to document my journy through life in the queen city. It is also going to serve as a reflection of my wieght loss efforts, hopefully hold me accountable and I hope to serve as an inspiration to others